Often times I have felt inadequate, most of my childhood to be honest. I've always had a variety of friends and appreciated them all. I was never the type to be a part of a click, yet perhaps some may have labeled me as so, yet labels simply are put there, because most people feel secure in having a point of reference to connect a person, place or event. Yesterday was a very eventful day for me, and childhood memories stirred up within as we pulled up to the fairgrounds. I was with a dear childhood friend and her girlfriends, spending the day preparing for her wedding that she asked me to be in. I have known her since kindergarten and there is always a sense of comfort when I'm with her. I'm reminded of a part of myself, that often times I forget, yet we laugh at ourselves and the silliness of our childhood actions. We lived in our own dream land often, and it was quite enjoyable really. There is that reminder of being a child, and having no concerns, just having the purest form of fun from moment to moment. Yes, there were times of fear as well, and both come up when we reminisce about it all. Her Father was an alcoholic with an extremely bad temper. There were times we would be in her room, holding the bible on our laps praying he did not come into the room, he never did! Although, we could hear him throwing and breaking dishes, yelling, and her Mother trying to reason him. On the flip side, we would pretend to be The Kendalls, learning all of their songs, and put together silly shows. One of my favorite songs to sing was, "You Can Eat Crackers In My Bed Anytime" by Barbara Mandrell. I learned at a very early age to shut off and escape in my mind, from the people or events that I did not know how to deal with in any other way. It's amazing how you can grow so distant from your childhood, yet at the same time, reconnect with the truth of who you are when you're in situations such as so. I'm thankful now, to no longer shut off, and to filter all, as for me it's the healthiest form I know of. I just had the realization, that there were years that I could not even listen to country music, as it was connected to many aspects of my childhood that reminded me of people or events that were too painful and I had not yet dealt with those issues. Shutting off is never a healthy way to deal with any form of abuse, as it then stirs within and stays there until we allow ourselves to filter it through, only hindering the freedom of abundance that's attainable. Once we filter it through, we can then grow and share our experiences with others, to help them through their own and live a pure, free life. I've always been more of the introspective Artist type, absorbing all that was going on around me, yet with a strong sense of purpose in my own life, that made no sense to others that I knew. As a child, you only know what is presented to you. We did not have computers in my era to explore the world around or the things of interest to have a better understanding or a feeling that there are others with similar passions and desires. Knowing that what you feel within, is important and there is a reason we have these feelings and to follow them. Growing up, our parents have such an influence on us, they say things without even realizing the cause or affect it will have on us. It took me hearing one sentence from my Mother, that had me lock away the dream in my heart... It went something like this, "No one in our family can..." Well, that was all it took, I understood that as, "You can't." Well, did it stop me, ultimately no, because it is who I am. I tried to pursue the next closest idea of what I thought I could do, to still be happy and yet, it didn't fill the desire in my soul. I moved to the nearest city where I felt it was attainable shortly after graduating high school, living out of my car for the first couple of weeks filled with determination, feeling it was my only option, as if I were not doing what I love fully, then I would always feel inadequate, and I don't feel we are to settle in life for anything less than what gives the greatest vibrations to our soul. I met some incredible people along the way, and learned then, that, "I can".
That was a new beginning for me, a new awakening of hope! I had felt unlocked from that tortured aspect that I had struggled with my entire childhood! It was really awful really, never feeling I could even talk to anyone about it, as they would look at me like it was equivalent to winning the lottery. Yet, many people play and say, "When I win the lotto one day." Winning the lotto seemed like a much more difficult task, as you're leaving fate in the hands of air. When you have a dream, or a passion, no matter what it is, truly you can attain it! With dedication and taking the proper steps, anything is possible. As we enjoyed the day of festivities at the bridal show, I took pictures, documenting it all. I've learned to follow my heart when with a group or not, even if there is no one around that understands, and I find complete pleasure in that. Whatever I do now, it's not to attain approval of those around me, yet to live each moment doing what feels most authentic to myself. That evening, my childhood friend and her girlfriend, who is also in the wedding, remained together, relaxing for some family time. I was talking with her girlfriend, and she surprised me with her words when she said, "You're a female version of my sixteen year old son and you have given me so much relief, meeting someone similar." Perhaps these words seem vague at the moment, yet the deepness of it all stirs my soul with pure joy. She mentioned to me that throughout the day, I often said things that sound identical to the way her son thinks. She wanted me to talk with him, and I knew then, I had a purpose that evening and the most gratifying aspect at that moment, was to fulfill it. We went to her home, played Wii, relaxed and enjoyed a lovely evening. She took me into her sons room and his walls were plastered with posters including John Lennon, Bob Marley and more. My heart was lifted and I encouraged her to support him. She said he loved to write and rap. I told her he is the perfect age to begin bridging the gap, so he can live the life that he's passionate about. I mentioned my ideas and thoughts of how to take those steps now, so when he's finished with high school, he can go to where he's feeling led to go to make those dreams come true. I had mentioned that I would be happier living a simple life, doing what I love, opposed to trying to live a life that seems like the ideal structure to what society portrays as so. After sharing my ideas of what he can do now, she was amazed and I could see the relief. She says, "I never thought of that, nor do I think he has." Her son came home and she introduced us. He absorbed my words fully, and I could feel he was in appreciation to connect with someone who not only understood him, yet who had given him insight to the tools available and how to obtain them, it was quite simple really, and made complete sense to him. He was already on the right track and it was the most gratifying to realize that all I shared with him, uplifted his spirit and sense of hope, a deeper understanding to help him attain that which is dearest to his heart. I couldn't stress more to him other than, "Be Prepared." The most respectable thing as an Artist, no matter the form of art that interests you, is to learn all about it. To fully absorb it and understand the craft on all dimensions possible, within the genre of interest. He explained to me having anxiety attacks, and I could truly relate. I absorb all going on around me, even if out of sight and explained that I too can have had these attacks. In the past, when I did not know how to channel them, they would often control me. He explained getting them in math class and I knew right then, he felt overwhelmed with a desire to meet an expectation, that he was not understanding. I suggested that instead of struggling on trying to find the answer, so he would feel confident in passing the class, to focus his intention on understanding the formula, and then the answer will come. I explained that this is a similar formula to the entire structure of a completed song. There are so many layers that make up the final outcome of a song, and most, simply hear the finished product, yet not all of the layers in between. When he feels the attacks, to focus through it in that very moment, and to write or read, staying focused. I suggested that instead of putting the pressure on himself in passing the class, as when you're still not understanding the concept, the fear of failure can take over, even when you feel that your goal is to pass, to focus in the moment, and look at things from a different perspective or ask for another perspective, and open our mind to find the answer we seek. It was a refreshing reminder for myself, also in knowing that I can live anywhere, and truly do what I love, embracing the tools of our modern technology to attain. At the same time, there is always that knowing that it takes a team to create the finished product! Although, the team can not create the understanding of the formula that I can obtain on my own. With his interest of songwriting and rapping, I encouraged him to start learning now about music theory, the business of music and to respect the art, so he will be a respected Artist, with the opportunity to have a career, opposed to a brief success. Getting a keyboard to learn the notes of music and how to read it as well. Watching the many youtube videos out there, learning whatever and however he can with all available on the internet. Suggesting to use these next two years to implement, so he's that much further ahead, as if he wants to make this a career, then there are things he can do now to propel this reality. We spoke in depth, and I found myself double in years to him, yet connecting to that aspect in myself, and it was an amazing feeling to share with him all that I did. His Mother was beyond thankful, expressing her appreciation to me, in feeling that her son was "normal." It's heartbreaking as a child, to not have anyone to connect with who understands, or having any awareness of how to take steps towards attaining those dreams in a realistic manner, in any given circumstance.
Every day is a gift. Every day a blessing. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, yet if we live in the moment, and do all we can to live our dreams, that is true freedom in itself. Giving in any healthy form that is available to give, is one of the most incredible feelings I know. It takes discipline to become addicted to anything in life. Become addicted to things that are healthy, things that will uplift you, yet most of all, addicted to God and love, with that, everything is possible in a healthy frame of mind. Many find their success, yet to be happy and have peace within along the journey no matter the circumstances that present themselves and once that success is obtained, is the most fulfilling success. For me, one of the greatest feelings is not only clarity, yet how to fill the gap to bridge our desires to fulfill our purpose, whatever it is. Live life to thrive. Put yourself in a situation so you can thrive and experience God in your life. Receive the things God wants to bless you with and value all. Look ahead towards your reward and appreciate the rewards in the now. As you have applied yourself with dedication, know therefore the success shall come. In any and all areas of life, may Gods grace be sufficient upon you. Happy trails and enjoy :)
